Diwali Dhamaka

Author Speak: I wrote this one with sleepy eyes just because I was literally pushed to the wall. The style and idea is lifted from one of my previous posts but the content is new.

A voice with mythological tone comes out of darkness:

‘Dear Vatsa, Open your eyes.’

I crash-landed from the world of dreams to reality. As I opened my eyes, I could see no one.

Me: ‘Who is this? Where are you?’

Voice: ‘Moorkh. How can you see anyone in dark? Switch on the lights.’

Me: ‘Oops’. As I switch on the light I could see a heavenly figure in my room wearing outlandish dress from a mythological serial. I am taken aback. ‘Who are you?’

Heavenly figure (with a charming smile): ‘I am Laxhmidoot.’

Me: ‘Laxhmidoot!! It’s a strange name. Laxhmi seems to be a perfectly legitimate name for a guy also but I have never come across a Laxhmidoot.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Well. It’s not exactly my name. It’s my designation. In our field of work we are not known by names but with rankings to maintain anonymity. I am LD 007:- Laxhmidoot 007.’

Me: ‘Kewl. Then you would be the James Bond of your field of work.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘You bet I am.’ He said proudly.

Me: ‘Good. But why are you here? And that too intruding in the middle of night.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Well, it’s our work schedule. The nature of our work demands that we work in night. However, I am here to grant you a wish.’

Me: ‘A wish. Really? What for? And who are you to grant me a wish?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Sorry I forgot to introduce myself formally. But I thought you would have got it from my name. After all you are a researcher and hence supposedly intelligent. Didn’t you get it from my name?’

Me: ‘Intelligent? Researchers!! Well I think you have not done your homework properly. Anyhow, what was I suppose to get from your name?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Laxhmidoot – Laxhmi ka Doot. Messenger of Goddess Laxhmi.’

Me: ‘Oh that. Well, you can blame it on my knowledge of Hindi – I am really not proficient in the language.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘It’s sad that you guys do not appreciate your own mother tongue. I have never liked English but have to learn it and use it because of the changing times: because of your generation. I still think it’s a funny language. Do you remember that Amitabh movie in which there was a dialogue of ‘I can walk English, I can talk English’? What was the name of the movie…. Uh.. Uh.. ’

Me: ‘You guys watch movies?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Yeah. Sometimes. But I like only Bollywood Masala movies. Wanted was good.’

Me: ‘Wanted!! (With a small pause) Don’t you think we are digressing from the matter in hand? You are here to grant me a wish. But why? What made you take this decision?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘I do not take decisions. I only follow orders. Goddess Laxhmi gave me that order.’

Me: ‘But why?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Well! You happen to win a consolation prize at the Mega Diwali Bumper draw.’

Me: ‘A Mega Diwali Bumper draw? But I never participated in one.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Well, it’s not a simple draw. We introduced it this year.’

Me: ‘We?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘The financial sub-committee under Goddess Laxhmi housed at Baikunthdham.’

Me: ‘Wait a minute. Gods too have committees!!’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Of course. How do you think they are still able to address the prayers of all you people with the pressure of ever increasing population?’

Me: ‘Kool. But you said that you introduced the Mega draw this year. What is so special this year?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Recession. We took lessons from last year and decided that it is necessary to manage wealth on earth. A majority thought that it is not advisable to grant wishes of everyone from now on and we would grant the wishes of only a lucky few selected through a draw. You got lucky.’

Me: ‘But why? Laxhmi Maa is the Goddess of Wealth. What is the need for her to restrain from distributing wealth to the people.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Exactly because she is the Goddess of Wealth. She needs to manage wealth so that it is properly utilized. She herself has adopted austerity measures and would go directly to grant the wishes of only the first three winners of this draw. For the rest like you – We the doots will grant the wish.’

Me: ‘But that’s unfair. Gods must grant wishes and not their doots. Further what could have been the extra cost since she travels on her owl?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘And who will pay for the Z-Security cover that we have to provide her on every excursions. The sum runs into crores and hence in accordance with the recent austerity drive should be preserved at all costs and inconveniences.’

Me: ‘Very well. So what I have to do for you to grant me my wish?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Just tell it.’

Me: ‘You see my salary is low. I didn’t even receive an increment this year. Further there is no sign of receiving the bonus in the next year. I am in what you say a financial distress. Do one thing. Ensure that my salary gets more than double effective from March this year.’

Laxhmidoot (with a stern look): ‘You have won a consolation prize. Remember that. You are demanding as if you have won the first prize. The financial impetus will only be given to the first three prize winners. You will have to ask for something else.’

Me: ‘Then reduce my working hours. Late nights are almost a regular in my work life. Do something which will make my boss to let me go at 6 in the evening.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘If I had the power of granting this wish then why would I have to work so long?’

Me: ‘You too?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Yes. With the austerity drive there is hiring freeze in our department. No ‘new recruits’ means that we have to put in that ‘extra’ effort so that everything goes smoothly for our bosses.’

Me: ‘Okay then. Look I do not have a girl in my life. Ensure that a beautiful girl fills my life with joy.’

At this instant he slapped me. It was sudden.

Me (while rubbing my cheek): ‘What?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘You do not have money nor do you have time. How will you keep a girl happy? I cannot ruin the life of a girl just for the sake of granting a wish. It’s against my principle.’

Me: ‘Okay, Okay. I understand. But shouldn’t you apologize for slapping me?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Is this a wish?’

Me: ‘No, not at all.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Then I will not apologize.’

Me: ‘Okay. Do not apologize. Shall I ask for another wish?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Definitely.’

Me: ‘Very well then. Look I have pain in my legs. And with this I have to walk and travel through public transport and then again walk to reach my office. Going to office would be fun if I own a car. Grant me a car. Not very costly. A low end Merc would suffice.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Can’t. We have orders from the Environment Preservation on Earth Department not to grant any wish that affects the environment negatively on earth. Car definitely comes under that. I am sorry that because of some red tapes I will not be able to grant you this reasonable wish. But I think that you as a responsible citizen should also work for preservation of your environment. It’s becoming hotter day by day here.’

Me: ‘What is this? I have made 4 wishes and you didn’t even grant one.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘As I said I am sorry. You can continue making wishes.’

Me: ‘Okay. If you cannot give me all these then give me health. Make me strong and give me chiseled body like Hrithik and Salman.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Sorry again. This does not come under our jurisdiction. For this you will have to wait for another week till Chhath and pray to Sun God for health.’ He continues in a hushed tone. ‘I am letting out a secret. While on a lunch with a Sun council member I was told that he too is keen on implementing the Mega Draw project.’

Me: ‘Great. I am thrilled. So, what am I supposed to ask for now? Do one thing. Let’s settle this. Give me a new laptop: Sony Viao.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘You have a laptop na?’

Me: ‘Yes. So?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Sorry. Under the new austerity mode there is special thrust on the proper utilization of resources. Since you already have a laptop I can’t give you another.’

Me: ‘But its battery does not work.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘I cannot help you.’

Me: ‘Then give me the battery of the laptop.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘You have a Lenovo na?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘Can’t.’

Me: ‘Can’t What?’

Laxhmidoot: ‘I cannot give you the battery. The shipment of Lenovo battery takes 2 days. I can only grant you a wish which can be fulfilled instantaneously.’

Me (Exasperated): ‘Instantaneously!! What do you have right now with you?’

Laxhmidoot (Checks his pocket): ‘I have two tickets for movie ‘Blue’.’

Me: ‘Give me those tickets. It’s my wish. I want to see Blue.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘But I was planning to watch it too. Can I keep one?’

Me: ‘Okay. Give me only one ticket and you enjoy the movie on the second one.’

He gives me the ticket.

Laxhmidoot: ‘I hereby grant your wish.’

He hands me a register.

Laxhmidoot: ‘Please write ‘wish received’ and sign against your name in the register.’

I sign the register.

Laxhmidoot: ‘Happy Diwali to you.’

Me: ‘Same to you.’

Laxhmidoot: ‘See you at the cinema hall during the screening of Blue. Bye.’

I nod as he vanishes in thin air.

P.S: Wishing Happy Diwali to All. May all of us have a prosperous Year ahead (With the economists predicting that the clouds of recession are moving away from our economic space, I may actually hope this to come true).